Hermione, Mother's Day, and Mom

While I'm writing this, I am watching "Once Upon a Time" on Netflix, playing 3 different worlds in Elvanor, and trying not to disturb Hermione sleeping on my chest as I crochet her new sweater. (Yup. Leaning back in my chair and writing is not very comfortable. But I'm not going to wake the dog up. No way.) Remember me talking about doing a lot of stuff to keep my mind out of the present and off the crazy? Yup! I'm a multi-tasker. And apparently, I'm not doing well with the mindful meditation exercises.  

I'm still not at 5 minutes of meditation, but I'm not sure whether I'm bothered by it, or not. Why? Because most of the reason why I'm unable to do it is because Hermione keeps interrupting me. Now that she is becoming more comfortable with me and her new home, her personality is revealing itself. She's very eager and mischievous. And sneaky. Whether it's knocking over the kitchen garbage can to get in it more easily, or sticking her tongue up a nostril in a surprise licking attack, she has a way of grabbing my full attention whenever she wants it. Apparently, she feels that mindful meditation time is time that would be better spent loving on her, and honestly, I tend to agree.

Yesterday was a really hard day for me, and if it weren't for the antics of my beloved Hermione, I'm not sure I would have made it through the day as well as I did. Mother's Day has always been a difficult day for me. I've always wanted kids, but I didn't have them. It's not solely because I never married. After all, at the tender age of 18 I told my mom that when I thought I was ready to have children, I was going to have them, husband or no. For me, being ready to have a child included 3 things: wanting them, being ready emotionally and mentally to make them the first priority in my life, and being financially able to support them. A husband was optional.

By my late 20s early 30s, I had met the first two criteria, so I started working on the third. Unfortunately, that's about the time that a single person started to have a hard time supporting him or herself in this country. There was no way I was going to be able to support a family alone. I let the child dream rest until I could find a partner to share the joy with. I still haven't found one. Mother's Day became a little bittersweet. This year was especially hard. It's the first Mother's Day after my hysterectomy.

Until this year, there was still the hope that I would find "the one" and start a family. I was a little worried about infertility, but knew that with the right person, I could get through that. Now, the hope that I will ever give birth is gone, and it really, really hurts. I know there's adoption, and I've always said that I wanted to adopt whether I could give birth or not, but I'm still not financially able to support a child.  No one in their right mind would give me one, right now. So, yesterday, seeing all of the Mother's Day posts on Facebook, reading all of the Mother's Day news articles, scrolling through the Spoiling-Mom-on-Mother's-Day pins on Pinterest really messed me up. Throw on top of that seeing the lovely flowers my niece sent to my mom to thank her for being "like a mom to her," whilst said niece ignored me, who also helped to raise her, and I felt like the only thing I could do was curl up in a ball and cry until my sinuses became so full they exploded and took my head with them. My niece is the closest I will probably ever come to being a mother, and she didn't even acknowledge me as being such. It hurt.

But then...Hermione. She sat on my lap all morning and kept me grounded. I cried, Don't get me wrong. I cried a lot. But her unconditional love helped me to just feel sad, not suicidal. Her patience with me, allowing me to dress her up, cuddle her, and take care of her, gives me just enough mom feels to make not really being a mom not okay, but livable. I worry, though, that I'm going to over-do everything, and she will end up spoiled and bad tempered. I don't want to become that fur-mommy who lets her dog control every aspect of her life. I want to find the balance between crazy dog lady and loving fur-mommy. But for this Mother's Day, I was the crazy dog lady, and it's exactly what I needed to be to get through the day.

None of my friends know how much I wanted kids. Most of them actually believe it when I say, "I love children, as long as I can return them to their mother." The ones that don't believe that, think that I don't really like children. I think my mom was the only one who knew I actually wanted kids, but I don't think she understood how much it hurt me to lose the opportunity forever. Until Saturday.

On Saturday, we spent the evening together. I went to her house to pick her up to take her to a get together we had been invited to, and she immediately pointed out her flowers from my niece and started gushing about what a surprise it was to get them, and how pretty they were, and how much my niece loves her and considers her more of a mother than a grandmother, and on and on. I did very well and just smiled. I couldn't say anything, because if I did, the tears would start, and I didn't want to start our fun mother/daughter evening that way. So, smiling and just making positive sounds was all I could do to acknowledge her wonderful gift.

She finally stopped talking about it, and we made our way to the car. We were going to a girls only party about 45 minutes away, so we had a lot of time to just talk. I love driving with my mom because I love talking to my mom, but about 15 minutes out of town, she started in on the flowers, again. I just smiled and nodded and felt thankful that I had my glasses on so the thick handles could hide my eyes. She went on and on and never noticed that I wasn't saying a word. Then she asked me a question. She waited for my reply, but I just couldn't. If I opened my mouth, I felt like the only sound that would come out was the keening of grief. She asked the question again. When I didn't answer this time, she asked if I was all right. I whispered, "No." And then I spent a minute composing myself so that I could speak.

I said, "I'm really happy that Alicia loves you and sent you those flowers to say thanks, but when you talk about it, it makes me feel like crap. She's the closest thing I will ever have to a daughter, and she doesn't see that. She doesn't even want to be around me." My mom then interrupted and asked, "What makes you think that." And I told her, "Because she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore. She has her friends she would rather be with, and I understand, I was a young Airman and wanted to spend my leave with my friends. But she never even acknowledges how much like a mom I was to her: driving her to school, cooking her meals, buying her health and hygiene products, supporting and cheering her at school events, buying her clothes and teaching her how to size herself for a bra, helping her choose a prom dress and hundreds of other little things." Mom tried to interrupt again with, "She does that because...," but I stopped her. "I don't care why she does it. It makes me feel like garbage. I will never be a mom. Before I had hope, but now I don't, so Al not acknowledging me hurts more." During this whole thing, tears were running down my cheeks, snot was running out of my nose, and I was driving. Mom was quiet. I think that was when she realized how much I wanted kids.

It's now the day after Mother's day, and I'm still a bit wrecked. I look at my brother's girlfriend and wonder why the hell does she get to have 3 children and 1 grandchild (with another on the way,) and I get nothing? She's a horrible mother! She doesn't even like her children. She's off Saturdays and Sundays and spends every minute of those days, up until Monday morning, when she has to take her youngest child to school, with my brother at our house! Her middle child dropped out of school and does online school now, but rather than go back home on Monday after dropping the youngest off, she comes back to our house! My brother has gone to work, and I'm in the office, and she just hangs out watching T.V. here, because she doesn't want to go home and "deal" with her child! Then I look at all the news articles and stories about women who are even worse than she is who get to be moms. Why didn't I get to be one? Why?