And Then I Got A Dog

Yet again I have been procrastinating. I think that's the hardest part of my illness. I want to do stuff, but I don't want to do stuff. I get really excited about something, but lose the will to complete it part way through, sometimes before I even start. I'm just chock full of ideas that never materialize. And that makes me feel like garbage.

This blog is something that excited me more than anything has in a very long time. Don't get me wrong, I love writing it. I just feel like I'm a big complainer. I don't want this to be a "how to survive depression and anxiety" blog, but I do want it to be informational. I don't want it to be a "poor me" confessional, but I know that I have to share my life, feelings, and thoughts. I'm having a difficult time figuring out how much of my story to add without it sounding whiney, because it all sounds whiney to me. I guess I'll just write and try not to edit my thoughts too much, and if it all comes out sounding whiney to you, you can tell me. I can't guarantee that will make me change how I write, but I will read what you say and take it into consideration. (Of course this excludes anything written by trolls. Trolls will be ignored with extreme prejudice.) 

During this week's therapy session, Meredith and I discussed where I fit into my own life. What life? I spend most of my time thinking about and doing for others. I feel like I'm being selfish all the time, though. I feel like all I ever do is crochet and watch Netflix. I know I do more, but that's not how I see myself. I feel I could/should be doing more. At the same time, I get frustrated because I can't get appreciation for what I do. I don't need flowers or cards or presents, I just need my brother and his girlfriend to not put dirty dishes in the sink when the dishwasher is empty. Or, and this has happened more than once, not leave the dishes they just used to heat up their lunch sitting on the counter while I'm standing at the sink washing the dishes. BRING THE DISHES TO ME! When they do these things, I feel like a maid. I know I'm unemployed and earning my room and board by cooking and cleaning, but you don't have to make me FEEL like that's what I'm doing.

It makes me cry. It makes me feel like a loser because I do these things for a brother and his girlfriend instead a husband and children. It makes me feel like a freeloader because I do this instead of contribute financially, especially during the winter when my brother's window cleaning business drops down to almost nothing. I already feel broken by my illness, I don't need to feel worthless, too.

Which leads me to the second thing Meredith and I talked about: being in the moment. I am always doing, reading, or watching something. I'm never just "being." I never just sit alone with my thoughts. I can't. It hurts too much, like way too much.

I used to have quiet contemplation time when I was younger. I'm not sure when I stopped doing it, but I did. I don't even know what exactly made me stop. When I try now, not only does the negative self-talk intrude, but images of bad things happening to my loved ones do, too. These things are usually what trigger anxiety attacks. I'm constantly worried that something will happen to take a loved one away. I worry about how I'll survive without them. I worry about how my other loved ones will handle the loss. I worry that no one actually needs me, and that I'm just a big ol' burden on everyone. And that if I die, it won't matter. And then I start making fun of myself for these thoughts. I pretend like they're silly instead of terrifying. In other words, I make myself feel like a loser because the fear of loss is so great.

So, what she wants me to do to combat this is to start practicing mindful meditation. (See the link titled "Mindful" in the links section for an interesting website on the subject.) What is mindful meditation. Basically, it's turning everything off and sitting, looking down at nothing, and paying attention to everything and nothing at the same time. There's no special breathing, the only positioning requirement is that you sit comfortably with your knees lower than your hips. The goal is to be in the moment. If your mind wanders, that's okay, but you gently bring it back to the moment when you catch it. If you fidget a bit, that's okay, too. It's a lot harder than it sounds. I've tried it once, so far. I could only last a couple minutes before I just had to stop. I'm going to keep trying. My goal for now is 5 minutes. I'll increase the time as I can, but 5 minutes is challenging enough for now. 

On another note, one my therapist is excited about, I got a small dog. I already have a cat and a large dog, Duke and Castiel. I love them both, but neither of them cuddle, and I really need cuddles, right now. My first cat was a major cuddler, and she spoiled me. Cleo was what kept me going through my other episodes.

My new dog is a Maltese, and I named her Hermione. My aunt found her wandering the streets and picked her up. I guess Hermione was matted so badly my aunt's groomer decided to just shave all of her hair off. Also, the gunk under Hermione's eyes was so thick, the groomer had to spend over an hour soaking and pulling it all off. Anyway, after they did all this, my aunt called me and asked if I wanted the dog. After seeing Hermione's picture, it only took me about 3 minutes to say yes. I'm worried about taking on the expense of a high maintenance animal, but the benefits of the constant adoration and cuddles takes some of that worrying away. (I'll figure something out about the money. See, she's helping me worry less already!)

Besides the cuddles, I now have the added bonus of new inspiration for my crocheting. Crocheting is a very important stress reliever for me. Counting stitches and relaxing my hands enough to keep the yarn tension loose enough helps to calm me. I have a problem finishing projects, though....unless I'm crocheting for someone else. I have made hats, scarves, afghans, purses, stuffed toys, and a bunch of other stuff for all of my friends and family, but I have run out of people to crochet for, and I don't crochet for me. Now I can crochet sweaters for Hermione. Don't laugh. I know you want to. I used to be a laugher, too. But that's because I didn't understand about Maltese fur. You see, their fur is much like human hair, and they don't have an undercoat. (It's the undercoat that keeps a dog warm.) A Maltese, especially one that has been shaved, needs a little help to keep warm when it gets chilly. There are a couple other breeds like this, but I'm not so worried about those breeds, just the Maltese. 

I'm sure you'll hear much more about Hermione as we go along, but for now, just know that she is helping. She loves to cuddle with mummy, and I can't help but smile when I look at her and giggle when she gets excited and gives me kisses. Is a cuddle animal right for everyone? Probably not, but taking care of her gives me a purpose that has nothing to do with "paying for my keep."

Here are some pictures of my sweet Hermione:

                                         

Her first day home last Saturday!

Getting ready to go on our first walk together. (Before the spring snowstorm rolled in, and she decided that leaving the warm house was a bad idea.)

Friday after we got home from the vet. Poor Hermione. Not only did she get her shots, but she has ear infections, so she had to take other medicine, too. Now she doesn't feel so good. 

My next therapy session isn't until the end of May (yes, 4 weeks between sessions, and I'm not very happy about that,) but I will continue to write every week. I won't leave you hanging because I feel like I have been. On the positive side, though, I will have plenty of time to practice mindful meditation.