Negative Self-Talk or The Mean Girl in Your Head

I know I haven't been seeing a therapist for long, but I have had enough therapy to have learned that the most harmful thing to someone with depression, and the most difficult thing to change, is negative self-talk. It's also the difference between having a depression disorder and being depressed.

Everyone, EVERYONE, gets depressed. When something bad happens in your life, depression is a normal reaction. (NOT being sad when your favorite aunt dies is a symptom of a different, much more scary disorder.) There is not a single person on this planet who can claim they have never been depressed, never been sad. Sadness is a normal, healthy part of life. Depression, however, is not normal, nor is it healthy.

So, what changes to make "being depressed" become "depression?" I think you may remember a couple months ago that I drove to Seattle with my father for my uncle's funeral. On our trip, my father asked me to explain depression to him. Unlike my mother, he doesn't suffer from this disorder, so he doesn't understand that I'm not just sad. Before I explained how I felt, I asked him what he thought about the disorder. This is what he told me.

What he said was that he didn't understand why I couldn't just put on a smile, and go do something. Doing that always makes him feel better, always actually cheers him up. He wasn't trying to be offensive, or to hurt me, but it did hurt. I told him that if doing that worked for me, wouldn't I do it? I asked him if he thought I enjoyed feeling useless and sad and angry and worthless all the time? He shut up, and I silently cried for a while. Once I gathered myself enough to talk some more, I apologized.

I told Dad that I knew he wasn't trying to be hurtful, but this disorder blows everything up and makes it hard to talk about, which also makes it hard to get help with it...figures! Anyway, I tried to explain what it feels like to have depression, tried to explain negative self-talk. I think it helped him to understand me a little better. For those of you reading who suffer from depression, I write this to let you know you aren't the only one. For those of you reading this to understand someone with depression, I hope this helps.

Negative self-talk is the thing that affects a person with depression the most. In fact, I might venture to say that the reason we suffer from depression is because we can't control our negative self-talk. Everyone calls themselves an idiot for doing something stupid, but most people can move on afterwards. People with depression can't move on. We become fixated on that mistake, and idiot is the least of the names we call ourselves for it. Here are some of the things I call myself when I make a mistake, little or big:

stupid, worthless, ugly, fat, know-it-all, loser, soul-sucker (yes, I actually call myself this,) drain on your family, unworthy, unemployed, lazy, bitch, useless, hopeless, unwanted, not able to hold a man or a job, unable to make a good decision, poser, freak, smelly, hairy, incontinent, unwomanly, half-woman, infertile, hag, spinster, FAKER!

I call myself every single one of these things, and more, EVERY TIME I make a mistake, no matter what the mistake is, no matter whether it's actually a mistake or just something unfortunate that has happened. In my mind, all the bad things that happen to me are my fault, whether they actually are or not (kind of like the opposite of entitlement.) Can you see how this could become a problem? What does being hairy have to do with dropping a spoon? (Yup, I run through this list when I drop a spoon.) I can't stop calling myself names! As I explained to my father, imagine having a bully following you around all day long, every day, saying the most horrible things possible to and about you. After a while, it wears you down. Now, imagine that the bully is your own brain. My father asked me why I didn't just tell my brain to shut up? (It's a valid and intelligent question.) I told him that I do tell my brain to shut up, all the time! But it doesn't listen to me. It won't shut up, and it won't turn off. I told him that for people with depression, our own brains are our worst enemy. While I don't think he really understands what I go through, I think he understands that an "attitude adjustment" isn't going to be a quick fix for me or others like me.

And that leads me to something else I want to talk about. You know all those cute, little memes on social media that talk about changing your attitude, that say all you need to feel better is to take responsibility for your own happiness, and make yourself feel better? Well, they really piss the fuck out of me! (And there's the non-obligatory cursing.) Yes, to a certain extent these memes are right. The only person who can make you happy is you, and in order help yourself, you must help yourself. But they are so, so simplified and patronizing! Grrrrrr! They make it sound like all you have to do to fight depression is slap on a smile, or go fishing, or commune with nature, or grab a friend and go dancing, or whatever else is being proposed on the meme. 

For norms, this might work. People who are sad can often be cheered up by a quick change of location, situation, frame of mind, etc. But people with a depression disorder have to work a lot harder to make these kinds of things work. JUST spending some time at the beach isn't going to fix everything. It may help to get that vitamin A, but it's not a quick fix-all. (Emphasis on the quick part.) The only things that can help someone with depression get better is therapy, learning positive coping techniques (which include, but are not limited to the above quick changes,) and sometimes, medication.

Which leads me to the most important part of recovering from depression: be patient. You must understand that it takes time to learn new behaviors, to apply the new behaviors, and to believe in the new behaviors. Like I said earlier, there is no quick fix, so patience is the only thing that is going to keep you going. Medications may help, but even they require up to two months to kick in. Once they do, you will feel better, but pharmaceuticals are not an actual cure. They WILL become ineffective over time. If you have not learned what is at the root of your depression, and how to cope with the problems that arise from your depression, you will be right back where you started. Medication is only a tool to give you time to learn what you need to learn. While it is an effective tool, ultimately it is a temporary one. 

Please, please, please, be patient! You deserve to get better! I deserve to get better! No one, I don't care what your faith or your politics say, NO ONE deserves to feel like their brain is bullying them. NO ONE deserves depression. No one.

I Just Don't Feel Like It

Wow! It's been a while since I wrote, and I think an apology is in order. I'm sorry. I said I would write at least on a weekly basis, but I haven't written in almost a month. What? Oh my god! I didn't realize it had been that long. I wish I could say it was because I'm all better now, and I was just too busy having fun to write, but that would be a lie...mostly. I was busy, but only having a little fun, not a lot. Memorial Day was nice, and the following weekend I visited my parents for the day while they were camping at Lake Deweese. (I don't camp. I don't like it. I think I mentioned it previously as one of the things I DON'T have in common with the rest of my family.) Other than that, I've been busy making sure family members get to doctor appointments, working on crochet patterns to sell (gotta make money somehow,) and losing my mind reading about U.S. current events. (I internalize a lot of external issues. It's part of my problem, part of the reason I have such high anxiety levels. I'm working on it.)

But don't let me fool you. While all of what I mentioned above kept me from writing, the biggest thing that has kept me away is that I really haven't felt like writing. I haven't felt like sitting in front of my computer and putting pen to paper, figuratively speaking. I haven't felt like exposing myself, again. I haven't felt like agonizing over every word I use. I haven't felt like taking time away from computer games, crochet, my dog, cooking, and various other stalling tactics I have been using to keep myself away from my blog.

I'm tired. I'm sure you understand what I'm talking about. I'm ass-draggingly tired. All I really want to do is lie in my bed with my dog and my Netflix while I create the crochet pattern that will ease my money problems. (I don't need to be rich. I just need to make enough money to support myself!) But this isn't going to happen. We all know that this is just a symptom of my depression. Right now, I count it as a victory that I actually get out of bed in the morning. I count it as a victory that I make it into the office to answer phones, to get in my car to take my dog for a walk by the river (which I haven't done in a week.) I count it as a victory that I cook dinner for myself and my brother. I count it as a victory that I'm still here. It makes me question if I'm about to start another down cycle. But then I hang with my dog, and she makes me so happy that I think that there is no way a down cycle is starting. But why, then, am I so freaking tired?

I'm already on thyroid medication, and my levels are looking very good, so I don't think I need a medication adjustment. My estrogen levels are good, too, so I don't think hormones are to blame. I am still overweight, though. In fact, I think I'm getting fatter, even though I exercise more! (Don't talk to me about muscle weighing more than fat, because when I talk about getting fatter, I don't just mean I weigh more, I'm bigger, too, and I don't get it.) I'm working very hard on not eating processed food and actually becoming a healthier cook. I know I should cut out soda, but I'm not quite ready for that. I have 1 or 2 sodas a day. I will eventually stop drinking soda, except for the occasional cook out. (I don't actually believe in completely cutting anything out of your diet unless you are allergic to it, or it's on the "if you eat this, it will kill you" list. If you know you can have it occasionally, you're less likely to overindulge when it crosses your path.) Anyway, my diet is infinitely more healthy now than it was last year! So what gives? Never mind, I'll deal with it later.

I started a mindful meditation class 3 weeks ago. It's going all right, but I had to miss this week's class so that I could take my mom to her eye appointment. According to the instructor, though, I should be okay missing just the one class. If I miss anymore, I'll have to quit and take a different class. So what is this class about? Well, it's about teaching yourself to pay attention to your body, your surroundings, what's going on right now where you are. Sure, that sounds easy, but do you know how hard it is to meditate and be mindful of your big toe without falling asleep? (Did I mention that I'm really freakin' tired?) What keeps me awake is my mind thinking and thinking and thinking. With mindful meditation, the goal is to move away from "thinking" to live in the moment. Thinking usually takes you to the past or the future. Again, this sounds easy, but do you realize that following the presidential candidates, being aware of current events, tends to make you think about the future rather than present? Yeah, it's a conundrum. Anyway...I'm not really very good at this mindful meditation thing, right now. I may never be good at it, but I'm going to stick it out and learn more. I'll fill you in later.

That's pretty much what's been going on over the last 3 weeks. I don't know if I'm getting better or worse. I don't know if my depression and anxiety is coming or going. (Heck, I don't know if I'm coming or going.) I do know that I'm back, though, whether I feel like it, or not.