I Just Don't Feel Like It

Wow! It's been a while since I wrote, and I think an apology is in order. I'm sorry. I said I would write at least on a weekly basis, but I haven't written in almost a month. What? Oh my god! I didn't realize it had been that long. I wish I could say it was because I'm all better now, and I was just too busy having fun to write, but that would be a lie...mostly. I was busy, but only having a little fun, not a lot. Memorial Day was nice, and the following weekend I visited my parents for the day while they were camping at Lake Deweese. (I don't camp. I don't like it. I think I mentioned it previously as one of the things I DON'T have in common with the rest of my family.) Other than that, I've been busy making sure family members get to doctor appointments, working on crochet patterns to sell (gotta make money somehow,) and losing my mind reading about U.S. current events. (I internalize a lot of external issues. It's part of my problem, part of the reason I have such high anxiety levels. I'm working on it.)

But don't let me fool you. While all of what I mentioned above kept me from writing, the biggest thing that has kept me away is that I really haven't felt like writing. I haven't felt like sitting in front of my computer and putting pen to paper, figuratively speaking. I haven't felt like exposing myself, again. I haven't felt like agonizing over every word I use. I haven't felt like taking time away from computer games, crochet, my dog, cooking, and various other stalling tactics I have been using to keep myself away from my blog.

I'm tired. I'm sure you understand what I'm talking about. I'm ass-draggingly tired. All I really want to do is lie in my bed with my dog and my Netflix while I create the crochet pattern that will ease my money problems. (I don't need to be rich. I just need to make enough money to support myself!) But this isn't going to happen. We all know that this is just a symptom of my depression. Right now, I count it as a victory that I actually get out of bed in the morning. I count it as a victory that I make it into the office to answer phones, to get in my car to take my dog for a walk by the river (which I haven't done in a week.) I count it as a victory that I cook dinner for myself and my brother. I count it as a victory that I'm still here. It makes me question if I'm about to start another down cycle. But then I hang with my dog, and she makes me so happy that I think that there is no way a down cycle is starting. But why, then, am I so freaking tired?

I'm already on thyroid medication, and my levels are looking very good, so I don't think I need a medication adjustment. My estrogen levels are good, too, so I don't think hormones are to blame. I am still overweight, though. In fact, I think I'm getting fatter, even though I exercise more! (Don't talk to me about muscle weighing more than fat, because when I talk about getting fatter, I don't just mean I weigh more, I'm bigger, too, and I don't get it.) I'm working very hard on not eating processed food and actually becoming a healthier cook. I know I should cut out soda, but I'm not quite ready for that. I have 1 or 2 sodas a day. I will eventually stop drinking soda, except for the occasional cook out. (I don't actually believe in completely cutting anything out of your diet unless you are allergic to it, or it's on the "if you eat this, it will kill you" list. If you know you can have it occasionally, you're less likely to overindulge when it crosses your path.) Anyway, my diet is infinitely more healthy now than it was last year! So what gives? Never mind, I'll deal with it later.

I started a mindful meditation class 3 weeks ago. It's going all right, but I had to miss this week's class so that I could take my mom to her eye appointment. According to the instructor, though, I should be okay missing just the one class. If I miss anymore, I'll have to quit and take a different class. So what is this class about? Well, it's about teaching yourself to pay attention to your body, your surroundings, what's going on right now where you are. Sure, that sounds easy, but do you know how hard it is to meditate and be mindful of your big toe without falling asleep? (Did I mention that I'm really freakin' tired?) What keeps me awake is my mind thinking and thinking and thinking. With mindful meditation, the goal is to move away from "thinking" to live in the moment. Thinking usually takes you to the past or the future. Again, this sounds easy, but do you realize that following the presidential candidates, being aware of current events, tends to make you think about the future rather than present? Yeah, it's a conundrum. Anyway...I'm not really very good at this mindful meditation thing, right now. I may never be good at it, but I'm going to stick it out and learn more. I'll fill you in later.

That's pretty much what's been going on over the last 3 weeks. I don't know if I'm getting better or worse. I don't know if my depression and anxiety is coming or going. (Heck, I don't know if I'm coming or going.) I do know that I'm back, though, whether I feel like it, or not.